just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
