That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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