"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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