does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
