I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
