Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
