my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
