just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
