I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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