I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
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