Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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