I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
