i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Who did Billy Mays play for?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
