Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
