Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
