I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
