Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
