WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
