there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No subtext here. People are naked.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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