i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
