I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
