He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
