my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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