I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
When are your genitals available?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
