Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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