hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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