I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
