Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
