my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
