Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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