Swine flu. Run for my life!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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