The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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