I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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