I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
