i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
