i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
