The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
