Plan B is the new Plan A
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
