The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
