Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
