the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Found the puke drawer
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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