if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
