My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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