i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
