Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
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Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
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She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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