my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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