I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
