I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
