I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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