I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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