It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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