They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
