I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
