hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
