I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
