Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
