god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
