If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
