if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
