I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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