it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
